Into the mind of an introvert

Introvert versus Extrovert

I am a true-blue introvert. I didn’t know this about myself for a very long time. Up until only a few years ago I saw myself as a person who something was wrong with. I rationed that everyone was supposed to be extroverts and that those of us who weren’t were only extroverts in waiting. Waiting for the right time and the right circumstance to truly bring us out of the life-long funk we found ourselves in.

Throughout my twenties, I often found myself being friends with extroverts who would invariably attempt to coach me into how to be extroverted. Because my default is being alone, I was often accused of thinking I’m better than other people, being stuck up, being depressed, being angry, being passive-aggressive, being sad, being a recluse, etc. I could go on, but almost no references in our western society truly praise introversion.

I would even report back to the extroverts in my life when I did something extroverted. I would think, maybe I can get the hang of this people thing after all. I do know that always trying fit myself into an extroverted box was the cause of many anxieties, panic attacks and depressions.

It’s taken the vast majority of my life to realize that I just prefer solitude. That I don’t like a lot of “shooting the breeze” and that I don’t have to change this to be a great friend, a great mom, a great daughter, a great sister or a great person. I have never had an expectation for extroverts to change (with the exclusion of my ex-husband, I didn’t know any better), so there should be no expectation that I adapt a new personality to set other people at ease.

Whenever I do put on my extrovert hat, it is with deliberate intention. I give myself over to the interaction, I know just how long it will likely occur and then, as I often say, “I expire”. And just like food, you don’t want any part of it after its expired. What was once a lovely, pleasing, exquisite dish will turn into nightmare if it is past its time.

I don’t have to connect with random people through conversation or physical touch. I know that I am connected to random people because we are all having this human experience, I don’t need external proof to know this as fact. We’re all here, It’s just true. I have this yoga instructor who insists upon these exercises in class that have us touch each other or look into each other’s eyes for an extended period of time. If I’m being honest, it’s a little bit annoying that she thinks these artificial outward expressions are the only way people feel and show connection and that we’re all afraid of each other, so she needs to be a catalyst for change through insisting that sweaty people physically touch each other. Lol.

Extroversion to me is alien, but because it is more common than introversion, I’ve experienced many. I have a theory that introverts use, drugs and alcohol to become more extroverted because being an extrovert is more widely accepted. They are often seen as the most confident people in the room but after being connected to so many, I find this to be mostly untrue. I never understood how interacting with other people so much would foster a clear head. Whenever I do engage in loud, busy, gatherings, I feel exhausted. Mentally drained and fatigued.

So, if you pop up at my house and I don’t have my extrovert hat on, I probably won’t answer the door. I’m not a likely person to strike up conversations in the grocery line. I don’t really build relationships with neighbors, but It’s nice to be friendly and know that they are there if you need something or they need something from you. I rarely go shopping with other women or have casual visits that last more than an hour. I need to know the purpose of the meeting, lol. If there is no purpose, I need to get back to my introversion. I’ve already decided you’re my friend, talking about nothing doesn’t change that. I’m giggling writing this.

Contrary to common belief, I see people as having tremendous value and worth. I don’t think they’re stupid and don’t deserve my time. It’s actually quite the opposite. Because I see so much wealth in them, I only need small slivers of their time to appreciate them. People to me, are like fine wine, you miss the experience of who they are if you just guzzle it down. In my opinion, anything more than a sliver is just filling space.

Now, my children are outside of all of this, because they feel like an extension of me, interacting with them still feels like introversion. I don’t have to think about conversing with them or becoming something else so we can get along. They also know how to just “be” without a lot of redundant conversation. My girls are very comfortable in their own skin. Most times they just like to be in my presence, even if I’m reading a book or writing. They don’t put external expectations on how I should be when we are in each other’s presence and I love that. I hope we keep that.

This is a short journey into the mind of a happy, healthy, loving and peaceful introvert. So, if you know one. Let them be. They will come out when they’re ready and no one should expect anything else.

Love,

~Jameelah