My Rock Bottom

My Rock Bottom

I am a divorced woman, who is also the mother of two insanely intelligent and beautiful little girls. I hold an associate’s degree in information technology, a bachelor’s in mass communication, a master’s in information systems management and a master’s in applied sociology. I have written and independently published four books and am concurrently working on two more books to be released this year. I was recently published as an expert on race and ethnicity in a sociology text book used at a major Texas university.

I started off as an entry level pc technician, and through promotions and attaining more education, I became a computer science professor at 26. I am currently a Sociology professor who has been blessed with the ability and the time to homeschool my babies. Throughout the years, I have been invited to speak on several panels, conduct workshops, lead projects, participate on committees, write recommendations, and attend conferences all across the United States. I have traveled alone to far-away places like the island of Maui and most recently traveled with my children to Colorado on a skiing trip for the holidays. I say all this to say, that my life has not always been a journey to admire. I am not from a privileged background and I am no more blessed than any other child of God. I was not academically exceptional, to say the least, leaving high school with a 1.8 GPA. At 27 years, old, I decided to marry a person who was a poor fit, and emotionally abusive. Before him, I struggled for many years with extreme highs and extreme lows, often having trouble with maintaining healthy friendships. My marriage was not only emotionally abusive but spiritually stagnant. It was suffocating the life out of me. My lack of self-esteem caused me to accept people into my life who did not expand and grow me, but instead attempted to shrink and trivialize me.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

After having my first daughter within the confines of an extremely dysfunctional marriage, that involved the authorities on more than one occasion, I became tormented by anxiety and panic attacks. My first panic attack had been years earlier when I was in college, so when I started to experience these symptoms again, I knew exactly what I was in for. Chronic anxiety is about a lot more than feeling nervous or having butterflies in your stomach. It’s about being paralyzed by fear, doubt and depression. It starts in the mind and creeps down into your stomach, spreading all over your body from head to toe. The mounting tension cuts off the flow of oxygen through your blood, which causes vomiting, stiff limbs, diarrhea and a heart that races so fast you think, “I have to be dying…” every single time. I began to self-medicate, which did not solve the root cause of the problem, so the symptoms persisted. The root cause was feeling small, feeling trapped and ultimately feeling not good enough; not smart enough, not beautiful enough, and whatever other not “enough” I could conjure up. For years, I didn’t rest and I barely ate. I knew I had something powerful to offer the world, yet I was suppressing to remain in an unsupportive marriage, that was not only not serving me, but also not serving my children. I had been diagnosed and given four different types of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Some of them worked and some of them just muffled the life right out of me. I was told by people that, “I was likely chemically imbalanced and that I would require medication for the rest of my life just to be okay.” That was BULL. I could have just gone on and permanently attached myself to this illness but I knew deep down inside that I was better than that, that God gave me all the tools I needed to lift myself out of my the pool of lies I was drowning in and that all I had to do was embody it, even when I didn’t believe it yet. My divorced turned into a vicious custody battle that required drug tests and anger management classes; from which I proudly graduated. For months, my daughters and I lived with different relatives. I had a home I could not live in and vehicle I could not drive until a judge decided I could. I was being treated according to my mistakes and not my successes. This was my rock bottom. But it was a jolt. Everything I went through has led me to the incredible place I reside today. I no longer consider relationships that are rooted in any level of fear and negativity. I know that I am good enough, smart enough and beautiful enough, to accomplish any goal I desire and set my mind to. My breakthrough came through one of the ugliest places in my life. A place where hope was almost gone and feeling tarnished superseded my ability to act on my dreams.

I began gratitude practices, attended yoga daily, got the well-meaning, energy drainers out of my life, removed myself from “small” environments and got to work on my insides, my career and my books. I gave myself a bigger “why” to look forward to than just making it through the day. I became grateful for more than just “waking up”. I put my children first, not just financially and physically but also emotionally. I knew that if I didn’t get myself together, I would raise emotionally stunted children, and I didn’t want to witness that. I became diligent about my writing and laser focused in my career. I removed all distractions out of my space, especially any mind-altering drugs and alcohol. I took some much-needed time away from people. Yes, it pissed some folks off but it was my right and I needed it. I hit the reset button again and again. And one day I turned around and realized I had been anxiety free for more than a year. I had called forward the peace inside of me that had been layered with guilt, shame and low self-esteem for as long as I could remember. I am not only a college professor, but I have also started my own business, JamRa Books, which is my own publishing house. My business model is designed to assist first time authors with gaining clarity with their story, executing it with ease and bringing them successfully through the independent publishing process. My mission is to show people how to, “Stop waiting on other people’s YES!” I was rejected several times over by agents and publishing houses before I decided to take my destiny into my own hands and create the projects that I knew others could benefit from. My first novel, Low Places, is a very intimate look into my tumultuous relationship and marriage. Many women have told me how much they benefited tremendously from my story. Imagine if I had waited until someone else decided that I was good enough or that my story was good enough, I could be waiting FOREVER.

My continuous goal is to inspire people and leave them with the impression that their dreams are possible, their own permission is enough and their story is NEEDED. This is why, I LOVE to be transparent, my story is not about me, it’s about what it can do for other people. It is about the human experience. It is about self-love and coming through hardships, instead of dwelling in them.

I am committed to my journey of peace, freedom, prosperity, and influence. My biggest hope is that I can inspire those who need a jolt or a breakthrough. It is not easy, but absolutely necessary.

Love, Jameelah

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